Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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