Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
