This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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