The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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