hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
