I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
