you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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