he puts the penis in happiness.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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