We named our party play list daddy issues
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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