Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You ruined the universe
Randomize
