Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
