Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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