Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
