My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
