i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
