Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
