you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
