who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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