I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
