My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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