every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
