She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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