she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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