I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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