Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
