Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
