I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
