I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
