It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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