peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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