She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
