i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
