Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
