you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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