i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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