accomplished twins. life is a go
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
