"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
