I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
