I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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