3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
