i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
