I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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