I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
