Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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