im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
