Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
