you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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