I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
