im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
