i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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