i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
