Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
