Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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